I have a good reason for doing this, even if I don't know what it is.

Recently I have found myself eating badly, watching Netflix excessively, and surfing Facebook addictively.  I can see myself doing these things, and I'm thinking to myself, I don't want to be doing this, it isn't serving me, it's making me unhappy, it's having a negative impact on my life, and yet I keep doing it. I feel myself unable to stop. When I think about why I am doing it  I feel that somehow I need to do it in that moment, because I am uncomfortable or unhappy in some way. This addictive behaviour is a response to my suffering, rather than a relief from it. It's also perpetuates my suffering, and thus the familiar cycle of addiction.

When I'm about to make a choice between an addictive behaviour or a healthy one, it is a conscious moment. It is quite rare that the cookie goes to my mouth before I even think about it.. In that moment of decision, which is also a moment of my suffering, I look for a reason to do or not do the addictive behaviour. And in my suffering, I feel a sort nihilism or despair, and I can't think of any reason not to fulfill my urge and to continue on the path of suffering. 

The other day it occurred to me that in that moment of choice, although I can't think of a reason not to continue to destructive behaviour, the very fact that I am thinking about reasons for making choices means that I do know there is one. Or, to put it another way, some part of me DOES know why I should make a healthy choice even if I can't remember what it is in that moment.

After realizing this, I started an experiment. When faced with the choice to engage in addictive behaviour, I said to myself, "There is a reason to choose the healthy behaviour, even if you do not know what it is right now." That was on Wednesday, and this is Saturday, and I had a great week. I didn't eat bad food once, I didn't spend any extra time on Facebook, and I didn't watch too much TV. By Friday I didn't even feel the urge anymore. I feel more awake and more calm. Most of all though, I feel the strength of self-discipline. It's a liberating feeling of joy and centredness. Reminding myself that there WAS a reason to choose the healthy behaviour was enough to motivate me to choose it.

I'm going to keep using this practice to keep me on the reasonable course. I have discovered that when I am faced with the desire to engage in addictive behaviour to alleviate suffering, I do want to make the positive, healthy choice, and I just needed to find a way to give myself a reason to do so. And feeling as good as I do now, after only a few days of these healthy choices, I am viscerally experiencing the reason why I would choose to make these choices - greater happiness and confidence leading to a more positive impact within my community.